the way that i think of love….
well it always and has to start with self love
the level and depth of love that you can have for another or even your family / community is directly related to your relationship within yourself
you can’t fill other people’s cup if yours is empty
so it is so important that you start within and make sure that you are getting all the nourishment that you require
so what does this look like?
perhaps self love to you is taking time away from “the crowd” spending quality alone time
perhaps its doing activities that fill you up like for me its as simple as a walk around the block, or go for a skate with my headphones on, or getting in the ocean for a surf / swim
even doing some “type two fun” activities is an act of self love. for me going on a long and difficult bike ride is exactly what i need. doing some hard cardio may not be fun or loving during, but after i feel accomplished and satisfied. this one is especially necessary for me when i feel “down in the dumps”, depressed, or sad. i push myself out the door and sweat that shit out baby. its the best
other times pushing myself out the door and doing some type 2 fun activity would be worse. so other times hitting the coach and potato-ing it up is just what i need. the importance here is to learn about what you truly need. and this only happens over time. you have to build a relationship with yourself. learning about what is best. this is a process of awareness and honest self reflection. it can be difficult to admit to yourself what is true and what is not. for doing the harder thing is not always what we want at the surface. but the further you go along the path you realize that in the bigger picture doing the hard thing pays off way more and adds to more fulfillment and reward.
now once you have created a healthy and solid relationship within your self … then you can start to focus outward on others. you may be thinking romantic partners come next, but my thought is not. its community.
the people that you care for and spend time with is so over looked. your work community. your home community. your family. your friends. your neighbor. the stranger. the person that works at that coffee shop that you always go to. these people are part of your support system. this is who you see and speak to frequently.
now love can be misrepresented and thought of as only for romantic partners and special friends and family. but its not. once you start to dive within yourself you start to realize that so much of what you are looking and waiting to receive from other is something that you can give your self. by just giving presence, attention and time yourself you can start to see that you physically and emotionally need this. that it is part of being human to be cared and loved for.
body awareness is one of my favorite meditation practices because it allows me to be present with myself. it also reminds me to consciously breathe throughout my day. and when ever i start to get lost in thought and start to get emotionally triggered it is a great centering point to re-find myself over and over again.
now back to your direct community and this misconception of love being reserved for romance. love just means that you care for another. love can be a choice to be present with another. here’s a great practice. while having conversations with another listen. just listen. sit in their shoes. actively try to understand where they are coming from. empathize. rather than thinking of a response. just listen. rather than try to fix or change them, let them be.
allowing people to go about their own process is so important. for sometime i tried to change people. i saw and believed that they needed to change in order to be happy. so i tried and tried. the more and more i did this the more resistance i got from them. so now i only give advice is i am asked. or if i really really feel that i should say something but i start by asking them first if i can give them advice. and this has revolutionized my relationships.
the urge to change and control run deep within us. but its so important to guide and lead by example rather than tell and demand. if your having trouble letting this go, then think about yourself. do you enjoy when people are telling you what to do? take a breath and let it go. know what you have control of in this life and many aggravations and rough conversations can be averted. focus your energy on what you can control.
so back to the point. how can you show love to your community. presence is definitely the answer, but you can take it further. you can actively get to know these people in your direct community. learn about what drives them, what they love and are passionate about. what they don’t like. their history. actively show that you care and want to know them on a deeper more personal level. this is taking the idea of presence on a active pursuit. do this and you will start to see them open up more and more. then next thing you know you are both going to deeper levels of sharing and vulnerability. this is where the connection between you starts to grow and build.
i know it sounds so easy. it can be and other times it wont be. with some people you feel as if this process if effortless and you are able to communicate with ease. while other times it can be awkward or almost even forced. don’t worry so much. be aware and mindful. if if feels awkward keep trying. if it seems to continuously never feel right that’s okay. allow it to be that. that’s just how it is between you too. just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
the benefits of growing and planting love seeds within your community is that you start to know and care for people on deeper levels. this has a rippling effect where they too start to not only do the same with you but with others. its this contagious feeling love is. its a feeling you feel called to share. so just keep getting after it. never feel discouraged. you are doing amazing by just showing up. you can do this. i believe in you.
now you may think that i am going to talk about romantic love next. nope that’s next….
spiritual love. yup i know. weird hippie dippie stuff. but hear me out.
what is spiritual love. well its an understanding. its an understanding of how connected we are to all things that helps propel you forward even though it can feel like their is no hope. but in effect their is hope. that there is good. that you continuously putting yourself out there is the hope. that by you showing up and giving it your all is what the world needs. this path can be so discouraging. at times there will be doubt as frustration from not receiving what we need. but in times like these self love and hope are so necessary. this is spiritual love. that there is a purpose to this. that you are that purpose. spiritual love is more like a knowing. an unwavering force that never gives up.
now romantic love. the hardest of them all. yes. i know. funny how it is the first that comes to mind but is the last in my list. its because it is the most difficult. perhaps i put it last because it is the hardest for me. or maybe because it has some many misconceptions from movies and tv on what it is suppose to be like. and to be honest i don’t feel like i am creditable to speak upon it. so let me just say a few words…
finding that other feels like a feat in its own. i’ve felt like i have been looking for my other for so long. to finally feel that connection and reflection in another, but can never find it. i see glimpses. i see aspects. but never the full look. each time i dive into another relationship i learn more and more on how i was wrong about love. i learn more and more on how to be a better partner. and its hard. my heart has been broken time and time again. it hurts. so in all honestly i stopped looking. i’ve put my focus upon myself and been directing my energy in what and where i’d like to go with my life.
i do have hope. when i see others who have found their partner i feel happy for them. i smile wide and proudly around them as i do believe in love. my past has not brought me the most convincing case that it is possible, but i choose differently. perhaps its stupid, but i wont let go of hope. maybe that is why i put romantic love last. because of spiritual love, the knowing and hopefulness that love is worth it all.
